Monday, December 18, 2006


Cliff got in tonight and I ate dinner with him at the Gyrocery. Pops is also in town and I hung out with him for a few hours in the afternoon. We spent about an hour trying to prove that in poker, with random cards against two opponents you win 33% of the time. He started the argument off by stating that against two opponents your probability of winning was .5 against one player and .5 against the other player so your probability of having the best hand is .5*.5=.25. Now, obviously the correct answer is .33 but I couldn't figure out a mathematical way to prove that. If there are any math gurus in the audience, I'd really appreciate your help. Yeah, my dad's a nerd.

Christmas is about family but it's also about DRINKING! This weekend I had two birthday parties to attend and managed to get rip-roaring drunk at both. Friday night was my friend Ravi's birthday and he celebrated it downtown at the J&M Cafe. I hate all clubs and I probably hate the J&M more than most but the night was a lot of fun because of the people that were there. Ravi is a friend from baaaack in the day. From 13 to 16 I'd hang out at the park across the street every single day. We didn't have a huge group but those that hung out became pretty tight. For some reason most of us went our separate ways once college started but the days of hanging out at Dahl Field contain some of my fondest memories. Anyway, Ravi's birthday was kind of a Dahl Field reunion and I hung out with some friends that I hadn't seen in six or seven years. Holy crap I'm old.

Everyone was excited to be back together but the main draw was Anyiam, the guy farthest to the right wearing the leather jacket. He had really fallen off the map and some of us were wondering if he was still alive. Somehow, Kenny found his old number and tracked the guy down. I picked him up around 9:00 and we went to pick up Kenny and his friend Sidney. Obviously, I cranked cheesy music and serenaded Anyiam for the whole ride to the bar, that's just what I do. There's nothing better than serenading a friend to some old school Britney. Anyway, as we got closer to the bar I promised Anyiam that I would check him into the "Blackedout Hotel", a term I use when I plan on buying someone enough drinks for them to black out. Anyiam trying to resist but at one point started talking shit back to me and I knew his fate was sealed. We were in a Mexican mood and I kept buying rounds of Patron and Coronas. After the 3rd or 4th round of drinks I came over to Anyiam, handed him his beer and put my arm around his shoulders. He turned to me and said, very seriously, "I'm gonna kick your ass." I started laughing hysterically and when I calmed down he said again, "seriously, I'm gonna kick your ass." WTF? I asked him what his problem was and he said, "I don't do that gay shit. I think it's ok that you're gay but I'm not down with you hitting on me." I was a little shocked to say the least but I had already booked a room for him at the Blackedout Hotel so I continued to buy him drinks for the rest of the night. Obviously, each drink came with the obligatory, "we're both sleeping at Kenny's tonight, Anyiam. I can't wait to cuddle" comments. The funniest moment of the night was toward closing time when I was talking to one of Ravi's friends and Anyiam came up behind her, with glazed ass eyes, and started to grind the shit out of her. She stepped to the side and Anyiam almost fell flat on his face before stumbling into a chair on the edge of the dance floor. We left my car downtown and the whole taxi ride I egged Anyiam on, telling him that we'd be cuddling soon. He responded with a mixture of barely-decipherable curse words and I'm gonna kick your asses. We finally got to Kenny's place and I got on the couch while Kenny put Anyiam on the futon. I promised Anyiam that once the lights were out, I'd climb onto the futon with him, agitating him to the very end. As soon as Kenny turned out the lights, I heard Anyiam puke twice and I knew that the night had been a success. God bless America.

The next morning I had a wicked hangover but had to get back downtown before my car got a ticket. Anyiam was still passed out on the futon, with his face buried in his own stomach acid. It was a glorious sight. That night was Dave's sexy santa birthday/Christmas party. There were some hot girls at this party...

Tasha, with the pink gloves, is Dave's wife and she got all these girls to dress slutty. God bless Tasha. Obviously, none of us talked to the girls, we just played Wii and various drinking games. Dave was nice enough to buy three OE 40s so Davis, CL and I took full advantage and ended up getting pretty smashed. Dave and Tasha have a really nice house in Auburn and I was nice enough to knock a full glass of red wine off the 2nd floor and onto their white carpet. I felt like crap but they were really cool about it(drunkenness may have played a part in their calmness) and Tasha ran around in her bare feet trying to pick up shards of glass. I made her bring me the steam vacuum and I spent about 30 minutes trying to get the wine out of the carpet. Tasha kept yelling at me to stop cleaning and have fun but I couldn't have fun with all that red wine in the carpet. Finally, it got close to clean and Tasha pulled the plug on my vacuuming. I'm not sure if the pounding of Tuaca straight from the bottle came before or after the red wine incident but the whole night became kind of a blur. Needless to say, Tasha and Dave threw a great party and I hope the carpet is clean enough for them to make it an annual tradition. Tasha made a ham and some potatoes and bomb appetizers and Dave decorated the house in a way that Clark Grizwold would have been proud of. The best decoration is a paper-mache mountain in his front yard with santa in a train that goes in a circle through the mountain. It's hard to describe but I'll try to take a picture of it next time I head down there. Anyway, please have this party again next year, Dook, and happy birthday.

Today I just relaxed and tried to clear my head. This week will be nice and sober but I think the debauchery will kick up again next weekend. I can't wait.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Congrats! Now that Time magazine has named you Person of the Year, you'll have to keep blogging. How much cash did you get for the prize?